Opposition for opposition sake?

[Sara]

SoulTalkers!!! Hello there! Its been a while since I blogged - so I thought I'd better put my fingers to the keyboard and communicate with you. So how have you been? What have you been upto? What's exciting you at the moment? What's challenging you?

Ok I'm guessing you are not actually wanting to read a blog about me asking you questions, and you may perhaps be wondering if you are just wasting your time reading this blog. You keep reading in the vain hope I might have something interesting to say. I guess I'm just typing my streams of consciousness and wondering if I really do have a point to make. Well I might do, and I will probably take forever to get to it ;) .

Ok, so tonight I had a superb discussion with a couple of dear friends of mine - which I'd like to share with you. It started off with one of them being sickeningly overexcited about the upcoming regional conference that will be occuring in London 3-4 January.

'So are you coming?' he asked, wide eyed and radiating much excitement.
'No!' I replied firmly.
'But WHY?' he asked, looking at me in disbelief.

'Oh for the love of God!' I thought, 'why the monkeys can I NOT go to this thing? Why is it everyone keeps looking horrified at the prospect of me NOT going to London 3-4 January? Am I really committing the crime of the century by not going? I've had a member of the Scottish Council email me asking me. I've had random people within and outwith my Baha'i Community ask me. Everyone seems to be talking about ruddy London. Why?!' Now when things repeatedly hit my inbox I take a step back and wonder if this is because I'm ineffectively communicating my answer? Have I misunderstood the question / situation? In essence I re-evaluate the situation.

SoulTalkers, you might recall from previous blogs that I don't 'do' large events, conferences, mass gatherings (in most arenas of my life). I find I don't get much out of them. Periodically I'll go - with an open mind - sometimes they are great, but all too often instead of rekindling in me a sense of reassurance and joy, I'm left reminded of why I don't attend large functions - which leaves me disillusioned and I feel like I've been through a draining test rather than been revitalised. So when the details of the London Conference came through (i.e. the fact it was happening) I decided it was probably a rebranded version of the National Conference I had attended the previous year - so threw away the booking form and continued to sort through the mountain of post that one amasses when you come back home after being away for several weeks. Amongst the same batch of post was a letter from the Universal House of Justice, dated 20th October - I glanced at it and put it in my 'intray' whilst I sifted through the rest of the post. A couple of days later I reconnected with some of my Baha'i friends who asked me if I was going to London. I said no, and changed the subject. With alarming regularity I found more and more people asking me. My answer was still no. Then I got a Facebook message (I really ought to leave that site!) from someone asking me if I was going - I lost the plot by this stage -

'No I'm not going. I don't 'do' conferences, didn't get much out of Warwick (National Conference last year), not going, hope you have a wonderful conference, look forward to hearing about it when you get back' - was my reply.

It was about this time I got round to going through my intray, and reading the 20th Oct letter. The last sentence stood out and haunted me for the next few days.

'We urge the believers... ...to avail themselves of this oppportunity and attend the conference to be held in their area'.

Seldom before had I read a very direct instruction and urging. As I read the sentence and pondered over it for the next few days - my stance on the conference softened, but the enquiries regarding my attendance (un)fortunately did not. My reply was still the same. NO! What was going to change my mind? I suppose I needed a clear aim and goal for this conference - i.e. what was I meant to get out of going? What is the purpose of me going? What did I hope to achieve? Reports from other conferences had been hitting my intray for a couple of weeks. Too busy to read them fully, I had scan read them and left them on the todo list - the important but not urgent list - the 'will deal with it once I've dealt with the PhD list' (this list is becoming more of an incentive NOT to finish the PhD - but that is a blog for another time).

So back to tonights discussion with my two friends. Being asked 'BUT WHY?!' made me see red. 'Because there appears to be no clear agenda, structure or programme. I need to know what is going on before I'm going to spend a whole two days with a few thousand people in the same confined space telling me how many ruhi books they have completed! Is that good enough for you?' was my reply.
Now (un)fortunately this was not good enough for my over radiant dear friend who is as stubborn as I am. And instead of backing down and saying 'Ok fine, I'm not even going to argue with you' - he decided to argue back. For the next 3 hours we discussed the matter (ok maybe not 3hours solely on the topic of the regional conference - but we did cover alot of ground on a range of issues).
'I reckon its just going to be one giant cluster meeting, with all the clusters presenting their stories - which would be interesting - but I'd rather just read about them than go there thanks' - I found myself saying, whilst remembering my "post PhD to-do list". Wait I couldn't say that because I'd not read the reports from any of the regional conferences already held. Ok he doesn't need to know that - I'm just NOT going ok?! As I was having this thought, I recalled a recent unrelated email conversation I had been having. The following words floated in my head:

'....pivotal point in my life...''.... feeling is one of renewed committment and assurance.'

It got me pondering. Was I seeking an assurance, some sort of validation that said don't worry Sara you don't have to go despite the fact you are urged to go? Did I want my friend to stop digging his heels in and just say - hey that's cool, I totally agree with you, I'm only going cos my mum is making me go? Was I somehow jealous of his excitement for it? Was I hacked off because I just didn't want to admit to myself that I might just want to go, but I wanted to be different, and to be different was not to go? Why was I really not going? Was my ego doing the talking? Was my prejudice of past experiences dictating a decision I was directly being urged to take? But the question still remained, what was the point of going (other than because I was being urged to go in the letter).

After a long winded discussion, my friends left, and I reconnected to the virtual world. I went to my email inbox and started to read the feedback from recently held conferences. I re-read the letter. I pondered over the purpose of it. I asked myself was this the right region for me to attend? Should I attend a different one - as I dont intend to be in the UK over the next year? How do I find out more about the London conference? What is the programme? Is knowing the programme really all that important? If so - why? No really - why is it so important for me to know what is going on before committing to going? Why is a simple request urging for my attendance not a good enough reason for me to attend? Questions buzzed through my head. When I get tangled with questions, I find myself looking at the two possible outcomes - do - i.e. attend and have your questions answered, or dont i.e. don't attend and be left wondering. Ok fine, I'll register - but if I've broken a bone during the ski trip I'm not going! And THAT is my final decision on the matter, ok?

[Marion]

Big conferences is where I learnt about my emotional handicap: when 2000 people were singing and dancing, I couldn't hold my tears, and it didn't have anything to do with the context, but simply with the number of people. At least that's what I worked out in my childhood, that I couldn't trust my reaction in a crowd. It could have been a football match, it could have been a political rally, but that time it was *only* evangelical christians, who prayed once by saying a prayer, twice by singing it, and three times by dancing while singing.

As it turns out, I don't need crowds to become embarassingly emotional (i.e. crying), and also, I've learnt to accept it as a fact of life, instead of fighting against it. It makes my life much more pleasant. Someone told me it's like a smile of the heart. Why not... A big help in my crying therapy has been Baha'i crowds. The point there was that I knew I had already made the rational choice of being a Baha'i, so nobody was selling me anything, nor was anybody playing with my emotions. It was a simple body reaction and I felt safe not to fight against it.

Now I didn't just cry at Baha'i events :) I also listened to speakers. I also drifted off sometimes... In fact, the best inspirations I've had where in such moments.

Needless to say, when I read the letter of the UHJ about the conferences, I cried... Not because I can't go. I didn't think of that then. Rather, it was like a mother hugging a child, finding just the right words, just the right touch so that the child can get up again and get on with life. I didn't think of that then either. I am just trying to describe the feeling I had about the UHJ, and also about the greatness of the day we live in.

Now I'm happy to get my bits and pieces from the conferences, by reading articles online, watching short videos, talking to friends who have already participated in one, or those who will do so soon. And of course, attending pilgrim evening talks, where members of the ICT tell us their point of view about the whole thing. Tonight, Dr. Ayman Rouhani told us that what makes a difference between the current conferences and any other Baha'i events, it's that these conferences have a very specific purpose.

[Nassim Donald]

It looks like your 'dear friend' won the 'argument'. Perhaps you should mention that to everyone you meet at the conference. Maybe even get him some chocolates as a token of your appreciation for his encouraging words of wisdom.

[Marion]

So, how was it?

[Sara]

Maybe the 'dear friend' can be content that he got his recognition more publically on Soul Talk rather than fish for more praise with items that will rot his teeth. Having said that - I've another wave of choccies that have arrived at my home sitting idle - when are you next in town to come and eat them?

The conference was great. I arrived safely and healthily back from my ski trip - only to spend one night in London and wake up with the plague. So I coughed and spluttered throughout the whole thing. My new tactic to cope with giant meetings (3200+) - get involved - so I was ushering folk in and out of their seats. It worked quite well to have a defined job to do.

One notable talk that stood out for me from the conference was an analogy used by one of the Councillors. They spoke about all the everyday grind that can distract you and make you sick and dizzy. They likened this to sitting in a car that's travelling quickly, if you try and watch every tree or house that goes whizzing past - you'll feel dizzy. But if you keep you eye on the long term future goals, look into the distance at the horizon - you will see that it doesn't move or change much, thus bringing serenity to the busy and confused mind.

[Marion]

Great analogy!

[Sean Baker]

As long as you don't crash into the stopped car in front of you when gazing into the distance ;>)

(not sure if the analogy streches that far though)!

“Don 't hurry. Don't worry. You're only here for a short visit. So don't forget to stop and smell the roses.” :Walter Hagan I think